....

well things can't change much can they?

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 01:41:43 GMT

I'm 21.

wtf?

July 18th was the big day. and all I had was a beer. so much for it being this awesome thing I guess. I don't really even like beer!

I am having a party on the 8th of August though so that should be lots of fun!! I invited over 80 people and like I expected I've only got around 20 people coming for sure, but thats what I was hoping for! there will be people there that I haven't seen in FOREVER! and people that can't be there at all that I want to be there the most...

but I'm sure 500 Jello shots and a keg and lots of liquor will solve any sadness that I think possible.

--------------------------------------------------------------

As much as I've tries to put it to the back of my mind and reguard the feeling as minuscule -- I can’t seem to get passed the thought that I’m not a factor, that they could care less if I just disappeared. I know that He, the most important factor, would care, but they are such a prominent part of his life that their not caring for me hurts and it distances any plans that he or I have about the future. I’m probably being ridiculous… But shouldn’t 2 years matter? I guess not… w/e maybe 3 will make a difference because I am planning on sticking around! I love him too much to not!

Fri, 15 May 2009 02:21:36 GMT

I'm not very good at "Poof"ing can you show me how to "poof"?

Is red a spring color? if so I'm totaly in!

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 03:02:19 GMT

I'm burnt because the sun came out to play and it didn't play nice.

Also the trees are starting to bud. I LOVE spring, everything comes back to life, including me and that is my favorite part. I'm alive again and all the sun makes me giddy, I don't even know how to explain how much happier I am in the spring and summer. I do know I look cuter because I like spring/summer clothes SO much more! skirts and bright fun colors that looks silly in the winer and fall just fit so well with the magnificent mood the weather puts me in and the bright green grass and the bright blue sky.

God Bless the Spring!

:-D

Homework... WHAT?! Sleep??? OK!

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 08:02:07 GMT

Next week I'm going to find a good library and move in.

No I'm serious! For the past two weeks every time I've sat down to do homework I've gone to sleep instead... No joke... I'm getting a little irritated at myself.. SO right now I'm hopped up on Starbucks and I'm working on like 10 things that need to be done by Monday. And since I want to NOT have to sit home and do homework all weekend I'm going to stay up until I get at least half of it done.

What do you mean shouldn't I be working on it all now?!?! Of course I should be DUH! I need a break. And I'm like bored with all this F. Scott Fitzgerald crap and POETRY!!!! OMG poetry... I'm not lying when I say I love poetry, I love to write it and I love to read it, but not constantly for 3 weeks in a row. I'm also sick of going green, that is all we talk about in my ecology class, I suppose that what the class is about but seriously I'm so done with it. I don't really want to talk about it anymore. I would love to be more green but I don't pay the bills I don't but the trash bags I don’t buy the light bulbs, I'm as spoiled as they come and I have no control of it. I've tried to get my parents to recycle, and to switch light bulbs and to use less gas, but they don't and since I can't force them to do anything and I live in their house, I'm stuck. What kills me is that I go to school with SO many people who have their own homes and children and all sorts of stuff that you wouldn't expect a college student to have... Aren't you supposed to go to College right after High school...?? I'm a bad person I know.

Did you know there are girls out there having babies at 14 and I've actually just heard of a girl that is pregnant at 12!! AT 12 where are that girls parents? I mean if they aren't going to let their children have sex, they should at least teach them how to use a condom! AHHH oh well but seriously I don't get it...

Oh btw that was from my Psychology class. We also talked about cloning the other day, and don't even get me started on that one. Oh boy.

Ok so back to moving in to a library, I can't be in my bedroom anymore when I try to do homework, because I just want to crawl in bed and sleep and since it is SO close and right there I do. And I don't do home work and well you get the picture. So since I'm sure I won’t fall asleep in a public place, I will go to the library!!! I think it is a wonderful idea! : )

well back to the grindstone! Which according to a poem I recently read is a type of wheel barrow.

Hello everyone! How art thou?

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 03:50:24 GMT

Seven people update. And I'm probably not going to keep doing so, so I'm not including myself in that statement. I'm far too busy to do this whole update thing. heh.. "Well Candise if you are so busy, why are you updating now?" That is a very good question you are asking Mr. invisible person man. Chris told me he started updating so I read his. and that has prompted me to update. I kind of love him A WHOLE LOT... yo!

Well here we go... I have a 3.78 in college right now and I'm as happy as a pig in poo! You don't even know! I mean I don't know what I did it High School but I sucked a little bit. Uh yeah! Working at Walgreens it fun sometimes and other time I want to dive across the counter at the customers and just knock them on their asses... No joke!

Mostly all I do it work and study, and I'm telling you if this whole college thing doesn't pay off I'm going to have to through down! Dang it! Though I have rediscovered my love for English, not that I ever really lost it, I just thought that I wasn’t any good at writing papers. Come to find out I’m pretty damn good, I haven’t gotten below an A yet, and I’m 3 semesters in! My major is in English and my minor is going to be in Literature and I’m going to be an Elementary School Teacher! I’m really excited! I’m planning on attending WSU Winter term of ’10. Oh yeah!

Started going back to Church and It's a good thing; I know it's where I'm supposed to be! So go me on that aspect.

Also my body has decided that it hates me and wants to destroy me. Aka I have killer heartburn like ALL of the time now. So Tums and Rolaids are my best friends! Also Milk oddly enough, not that I mind much because I love it, but I can’t drink it even remotely warm or it tastes horrid to me, so I have to work that out somehow.

OH! So for Christmas I bought Christopher a season pass to Cedar Point and he about died! So for Valentine’s Day he bought me one, so we can go together all of the time! Go us! We are GIANT dorks and love every moment of it.

Ok, I’m done now. Peace everybody!

Uh, I like e-mail so you all should write me!

lynnc7@gmail.com

So here's the thing.

Thu, 29 May 2008 03:44:48 GMT

I normally don't like the whole wicker thing with shoes but these shoes need to have my babies!

Betsey Johnson

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 03:00:04 GMT

I think I'm going to start doing my hair poofy again.. I miss the volume.

Ctrl V (life) Ctrl+Alt+Delete (gone)

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 05:15:58 GMT

"How do you sleep at night?" My mother asks me, seeing my bed coved in homework and clothes and all sorts of other things. For months now that’s all I have been doing, I've allowed myself to be consumed by school work and I've thrown aside my own needs; my need for time with myself. I don't understand myself, how could I, Candise, the one who wanted so desperately to go back to school, want to drop out? Mind you, I won’t. I just don't understand how such thoughts could run through my mind. I've decided to look at other major colleges to see if there isn't one close to home that doesn't require 3 semesters of Spanish. I don't want to have to take a class that I know I will just get by in. I found out my grade in History finally. I have a D. I've never had a D in my life. What has happened to me? I feel lost. How is it that I spend every day studying for that class and I practically fail the test. I'm so done with this. Only I'm not. It's one in the morning. Uno por la manana.(I doubt that is even the correct placement of words.) I should go to sleep, I'm going to write my English project tomorrow before I go to Math class, and then I have Work form 4-11. Would any one like to pay for my college?, I feel so over whelmed. Work and School. I should have studied for the Spanish tests I had on Wednesday, but instead I talked to my boyfriend, and read.

Tomorrow:
9am- wake up eat then write the project
if you have time read history
12:30 leave for class
1-2:30 Math class
3-3:30 study for Spanish
4-11 work
11:30- read History
Wednesday
8:30am English class.

When is there time for real sleep? unless I just stop. Next week is my History Midterm.

Tell me, will all this stress really be worth it in the long run?

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 04:36:05 GMT

when I write I just let it flow and just like when I'm reading other peoples poetry I have to figure out when I'm saying, and some times it takes me a week, or two. I'm not sure if its strange. I'm sure I'm just a freak.

just wrote these two.

I don’t like the way this smells
something’s not right
I don’t like the way this feels
bumpy not smooth
I don’t like the way this tastes
bitter and too sweet
I don’t like the way I’m seen
unhinged and out of control
I just don’t,
but I want to.
… …

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You represent my mind
the things I wish I was
you show me how
the way you want things to be
alone
you run
I’m faced with facts.
Unearthed facts.
Running, changing
black and white,
gray—facts.

Something tastes different..Maybe it's my toung

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 04:10:37 GMT

They may not be long or good or even spelled correctly but I'm really happy I'm writing again. It's a good thing; it's the truth.

I’m resisting tripping
fast talking is failing
I say what I mean
even if you don’t understand what I say
You’re facts are misplaced
get ready; get set
to face it

Exert: I live my life week end to week end; day to day isn’t fast enough. I want time to fly, like it did stand still and then had to take off into the air just so it could catch up with where it’s supposed to be, just to stand still once more. It’s what I really want. One day I know time will stay where it’s supposed to be. I can’t wait… (Sunday, February 24, 2008)

a million years ago... we didn't exist.

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 17:37:51 GMT

I should still be studying for my History test that I'm going to be taking in 45 mins... I haven't the slightest idea how I am doing in the class so this is more then a test this is well this is a test... ha.. nvm it makes sense to me..

I haven't written in a while. How is every one doing? ME?! oh well I'm my normal freak out about every thing all the time self, you know. I'm working full time and going to school full time.. WHY am I doing this again? I don't know probably because I'm a crazy woman. but so far I'm doing O.K. a few breakdowns and a lot of getting yelled at by my mom and Chris to just suck it up and do it because I'll be happier in the long run if I do... So I am, sucking it up and doing it that is.

I am doing my crazy amounts of reading behind the counter at work and still have to read before and after work to get it all done. I have worked out a plan that is better then my History teachers plan to have all the material read by Mid-Terms. I've become one of toughs people that plan every thing and then over analyze the plan I made and then re-plan every thing all over again. I think I'm crazy, Chris just says I'm silly.

So as most of you know I have tourette syndrome, and if you didn't well thats what my twitches are.. well any way lately it has been getting a whole lot worse so I've finally made a doctors appointment and I'm going to actually get on medication! How awesome is that! I can be all like Oh yeah I have to go take my dope now! HA! No but seriously, I hope it helps and I'll be able to not have insane twitch attacks at work any more, I'm also hoping that what ever they put me on helps with my anxiety. Who knows we'll see.

oh and I have money this week an extra $110 how awesome is that! I'm not going to be dieing for money for a bit! GO ME!! I am also NOT going to spend it all... I hope.. lol I like to buy things. I usually have only about $15 to last me for two weeks after a pay check. I'm a happy camper!

Well off to take the exam and test myself.

And then there was the "realization"

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 20:22:47 GMT

My Internet wasn't working correctly for a good 6 days, so I wasn't able to do jack about any thing...

I should probably be doing some sort of homework right now, thats all I do now, I don't like it. and Believe me I get why when I would say "I can't wait to go to school, you guys are so lucky." I would get responses like "believe me Candise, you aren't missing much." dear GOD I hate History, I swear to you I have fallen asleep 3 times studying for it, all I do is read. This week I have 5 chapter I have to read, well it would have been only 4 if I wouldn't have skipped the one I was supposed to read last week...

I also am working. This is hard. I hope I don't do something stupid with all this. You know what I take that back, I WONT do anything stupid I'll be fine and if I'm not fine I'll ask for help, I'm sure I'll be OK. I'm to stubborn not to be OK.

Things are actually going pretty well with most everything. Chris and I are doing very well, he makes me so happy, I'm so happy I'm with him, a week from today it will be 9 months, thats crazy. Crazy good.

Have I mentioned that I've started saving up to move out? Well I have, I have a savings account that I really can't access that I'm only putting money into and then there is the interest and I should have over $600 by the time I'm 22 and if I move in with someone that should be enough for the first couple months and by then I'll also be making more money. ALSO I'll be done with community college and I'll be starting @ WSU so I'll be able to live closer to the TWP. and that will be great.

Well I have to go to work.. maybe I'll read History on my lunch break WOO... ugh.

a hop skip jump and a flip kick? Damn.

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 02:39:49 GMT

I started college today... NOT as scary as I thought it was going to be. although I now have more reading then I think I'll be able to handle. English will be very easy.. although I was hoping that I was going be learning how to write papers.. oh well, I'll pass it I guess that all that matters... Spanish OMG... this is going to be hard.. the guy speaks English, not well, but he speaks it... and he's also very soft spoken and has HORRIBLE hand writing. I also failed to get the work book SO.. I therefor now have to search for one.

I'm supposed to be reading right now.

I'll go do that.

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 06:13:08 GMT

I would like to say some things that I would never have the guts to say to your face, and I'm not even sure if you'll read this.
This has been bothering me for quite some time.

I ended it yes, and you, I know because of a source you know well I have, seem to think I was not hurt by you, even though you have said yourself you treated me badly.
You affected me greatly, your name brought furry to my eyes; for the longest time and I wanted to raise my voice in anger. I had the strength to end it, sadly I attempted to recoil and I do thank you for not allowing it. I was blinded by such a great amount of lust that I thought I was in love. and I'm sorry I told you I was in love, because I know now that it wasn't true. You treated me like I was a dog, in fact when I was around you gave your dog more affection then you gave me. You showed me that a female cannot have the same actions that that a male does and still end in a relationship. You were cold hearted and I feel as if you didn't care about me at all, you treated me like I was dirt, like you could have your cake and eat it too, you are how I know the meaning of the phrase.

I don't really think of you anymore, I'm not sure what has made me even think about this tonight. I am truly happy with who I am with now and I've never been treated so well by another person.

I'm done now, I don't usually do this sort of thing, and I'm a tad ashamed but I needed to get it off my chest. Now that I have, I hope the thoughts about the whole situation wont return. I just want to be happy with what am and I don't want unsaid things to haunt me.

Here's to a new beginning, a new me and a new you.

Call me E. E. Dickinson

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 04:21:15 GMT

The distance between our bodies aching,
Finding faith, I’m shaking
I know the truth, it hurts the flesh as soon as it touches the soul.
Running faster.
Faster-furry,
Hating-loving
Wanting, scurry.
Its truth that finds its self within me,
My burning flesh will soon control me.
Hiding beneath your sorrows, waiting.
Is a face, that comes with no debating.

Two things.

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 23:52:00 GMT

Would someone like to explain to me the freakish weather that is happening right now? Jan 7th it was 65 degrees out! WTF?!@#$%$@!#

I'm not sure how I feel about this whole Global Warming thing But I'm sure it's not supposed to be in the 60's in January. I really don't know why I'm complaining I don't even like cold weather. I just don't get it, it makes me worry about summer, will it be cold then since it is so warm now? Oh well.

I also want to comment on how many sick freaks we have in this world. I was reading the news paper today and there were two stories about a man who it being accused of molesting a 1 week old baby and killing her. It made me sick to my stomach, I mean who honestly has it in them such evil to commit such a horrific act? And the other was about a woman who was selling her 7 year old daughter for sex and pornography! I just talk god that these two people are being put away hopefully for good. I would like to see them rot in jail.

The way things are,

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 08:29:57 GMT

So New Years was amazing!

I had an absolutely amazing time. Other then some people being really dumb while drunk and kicking pictures down stairs and putting holes in walls(only one small one) and people throwing up hard core. I was great. People got really dressed up and I had my chocotini and Life was good. In fact the past 5 days have been awesome. I spent them all with Chris, and a few friends.I don't know how happy I am going to be sleeping alone tonight, lol. If I ever get to sleep, my bed is just so big and empty you know?...

I'm so happy I got to see people and spend so much time with my Christopher. There are all sorts of pictures on MS and FB if any one feels like looking. I'm just happy, in all sorts of ways. I hope the feeling I have right now never fades.

The only bad thing from the past week and it's a REALLY bad thing, is that My friend Alyssa's mother died of cancer. I really don't think thats fair, Why dose my mom get to live and he mom had to die. This world is SO unfair. It can be SO misleading, and hurtful...

Here's to hoping the New Year brings Alyssa all the happiness in the world, her the rest of her family and every one.

-Night.

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 05:26:17 GMT

... I know you don't understand why I feel the say I do, but I don't understand why you act the way you do...

I don't even need gifts... all I need is family! (and I'll take some Chris and Crystal too)

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 18:28:40 GMT

It's A Wonderful Life!

I just wanted to profess my love for it and state that fact that it is the best Christmas movie ever written and produced.

It makes me happy and sad. It really shows what Christmas is all about. We may not have what we planed on having to begin with, but we all have a great life, and we need to learn to appreciate it. And thank God and every one around us for what we have. and if you don't believe in God thank who ever you do believe in and thank toughs that helped you get where you are.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Have a great today tomorrow and every day!

Money? It's not an object.

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 19:37:21 GMT

I just estimated the amount of money I will be spending on alcohol for new years and that amount would be... $105

and then there is the stuff Chris is buying... HA.. wow.

well there is going to be a lot of people there and I have expensive taste!

But I don't think I've been this excited for a day in a long time, besides prom.

YAY!

w00t!

I CANNOT WAIT ! It surpasses Christmas, yes I know I'm a freak.

The Past Two Days

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 18:04:24 GMT

Two days ago at this time I was sitting in Crystal's kitchen discussing the time I spent in the ditch...

As you may or may not know, my boyfriend goes to school in Flint, and I wanted to see him so on Saturday so I went up and saw him, not taking in to account that they don't plow the roads in Flint, or any where else when it starts snowing that late.ugh. So to say the least I fish tailed every 10 miles spun out once and finally ended up in a ditch. And because I hadn't told my mom that I was going to see Chris I didn't want to call her, and Chris's phone was on silent I was just freaking out. I ended up calling Crystal and she called a tow truck place, but the great thing was the tow truck guy couldn't find me. Another tow truck guy came by and told me he would pull me out of the ditch for $50 and thats how much I wanted to pay and the guy Crystal had called was going to charge us $60. So they guy pulled me out. and I head over to her house.

I don't like Ditches...

Well I spent the night there and we played Mancalah and we played like 25 games and I lost all but one and the one I won.. I cheated. I just didn't get it. I even played against my self and the side I wanted to win.. LOST.. I just didn't get it.

Last night I got to see a bunch of people that I missed like hell, and we watched "To Grandmothers House We Go" HA it was entertaining to say the least. Every one was talking as loud as they could and it just made me smile. I knew I missed them, but I didn't know I missed them as much as I did. That group of people they are me, and I am them. In my life I know I will never meet another group of people who I can relate to so easily. UGH.. I hate living this far. 2-3 years from now I'll be living on my own so I think I can make it. Right?

By 22 I want to move out. We'll see how that goes.

Ok well I'm out.

I'm going to go Eat Frito's.

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 18:09:44 GMT

I just updated my Bio in my user info.

WOOO!

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 17:56:48 GMT

There is an odd amount of "holy shit!" going on in my life...

I also LOVE to spred myself thin.

A quick thought.

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 01:50:04 GMT

The phrase's "I want my mommy" and "I want to go home" are ones that I directly connect to my childhood to mean, "I am sad and upset and uncomfortable" with the former it means I want some one to take me away from it, and the latter it means I want to take myself out of this situation and go some where I feel safe.

In my mind I still use them.... even when I am at home and when I am with my mother.. I think this is a problem...

3..2..1...

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 19:37:47 GMT

Here I am.

I'm in this place I'm not quite sure of. I'm not sure of any thing. It's hard living life with out expectations, not looking to the future with hope for the best and a wish for something wonderful. I know I will only be let down if I allow myself to dream the dream I want to dream. I know the way it works. I am living this day to day moment to moment conversation to conversation. Without a hope in the world with out a dream to push me. It's different, probably better this way.

The only thing I allow myself to look forward to is the absolute. School. And by most people's standards this is an odd thing, who wants to be cooped up in a classroom for three two hour segments a day? But, let me ask you, who wants to sand behind a register for eight hours straight five days a week? I want to further myself so very badly. I feel stagnant, I feel like I'm standing a pile of mud three feet deep, I cannot move. All I can do now is wait.

Chris and I have been together for seven months now, before Jimmy the longest was 5.5 . It amuses me that we have gotten this far with such little trouble, other then my hysterics of course. Ha. With Jimmy at this time we were fighting to stay together. I think the only reason I stayed with Jimmy for so long was defiance. No one wanted us together, my mom, my dad, a lot of our friends. I wanted to show them it could work, I think I also wanted to make the decision to break up with him on my own. I wish I wouldn't have taken two years and four months. Not that all of it was bad, just in my memories the bad out weigh the good. I'm really happy with Chris and that is right now, seeing as I'm not looking into the unknown any more.

poof.